DEAR JAHA/STILL WRITING

Dear Jaha,

I had one of those days yesterday where I wish I could start over.
I got up after what I thought was a restful sleep, ready 
to take on the day. I needed to finish a couple of projects.
But I procrastinated all damn day long. All day. Nothing
motivated me. Not the fact that I needed to wash my 
underwear. Not the packing for the trip. Not "but I'm leaving
for the airport at 4:15 am for a 6 am flight." Nothing. Not one
thing motivated me from watching Law & Order (with a 
brief interruption of Jeopardy!) and trolling Facebook, "liking"
first one status and then another. I knew I needed to pack. I
knew i needed to write. I knew this report needed to be in.
I also knew I needed to go to the bank. And wash my hair.
But it was 8 pm before I did anything that even LOOKED
productive... I put a load in the washer and hopped in the
shower to wash my hair. Mission. Part 1 and 2 accomplished.

These kinds of days wear me out. They make me feel
worthless, shiftless, lazy, no-good (see how I talk about myself
when I'm procrastinating?). It's just maddening and makes
me wonder if things will ever change. Oh, I do pray--all the
time. I meditate. I "think positive thoughts." But I still am
overtaken by these negative, neverending thoughts that
make me out to be the villain in my own life. In these days,
there is no shine on my life. And then I remembered
that I was leaving at 4:30 and traveling all day and would
have to get a poem or something in before the day was
over and just couldn't imagine how that was going to happen.
So just after midnight, I'm writing you. I'll actually see you
in a few hours as we descend onto Washington, DC
for our WomanPreach! event that will shake lives, including
our own. We'll meet new people and reconnect with old ones.
That's the good part of the work we do together.
I'm having conversations with you in my head, 
hoping that you know what I mean, even if I'm not saying 
what I'm thinking. But you've heard it before, felt it even. 

That's why I'm still writing. Because I know for sure you know. 
Thank you. For knowing. And for getting to know me. 
It makes me feel less alone in the world.
Keep writing. Word.

© Valerie Bridgeman
December 5, 2013