ACCOUNTING

Accounting for the anguish
that grips a mind, when logic
is the last thing to stand, when
people think depression is
just something you can 
"snap out of," or that you're
"just being overly dramatic"
or "trying to get attention,"
it's no wonder the silence
kills us as much as the 
what our minds betray
us. We can't help the thoughts
that stalk us, convince us
that we're no good, that the
world would be better off
without us, that it would be
charity to end it all, to take
one's own life. People who've
never suffered these insufferable
thoughts look as if we've
grown a third head, the second
one being the head that
holds the brain we don't
recognize... that brain
that testifies to just how
unworthy we are in spite
of all the accolades or
how many lovers or friends
tell us we're wonderful.
On our sane days, we
tell ourselves we are
glorious, and believe it.
But then there's this first
head where the brain is
broken and the thinking
is distorted and full
of holes and horror
and it's all we can do 
to hold back the raging
that threatens to take
us down, even while
we're smiling at the world.
It's why someone can
kill themselves
and the testimony will be:
she seemed so stable,
so "logical," so full of life.
"I'd never have pegged
her as suicidal." Or,
the worst: "How SELFISH
of him to not think about
how his death would
affect those around him,
how THEY would be
left holding the bag and
feeling guilty." And I just
want to point out--though
I can't be sure, but I'd
take this bet everyday--
that the person who tries
and fails or tries and
succeeds at killing
herself couldn't think
beyond the overwhelming
thought that death would
be kinder than the 
tormenting thoughts,
the anguish, the
hellish accusations
of nothingness that 
dogged her, that would
not let her out of
their grip. I'd take
that bet everyday
that the person wrapped
in mental and emotional
pain struggles just
to get out of bed,
that standing is a 
gigantic accomplishment
when the most she really
wants is to lay down and
die--not kill herself: die.
without the struggle.
without having to explain
to one more person
who no matter how many
times they say she's beautiful
or accomplished or smart
or any other thing meant
to make her snap out of it,
it doesn't work because--
it doesn't work.
And perpetually happy-go-lucky
people will never understand
these diseases and will only make
the mentally ill, the emotionally
struggling, the suicidally proned
feel even more inadequate.

Look, I don't have any answers about
what to do about what I'm telling you.
But take my word for it: there's no
easy accounting for why some
people's brains and emotions
are perfectly fine while the rest of us
are broken, and we struggle
to believe (to HOPE) that it's
not beyond repair.

Ask me how I know.

© Valerie Bridgeman
December 2, 2013