THIS IS HOW

This is how I will die. I know. I know. They say watch your words. You create your own reality except I didn't create this moment where I have picked myself up from the floor after lying for moments (I don't know how many) in a pool of my own vomit a flood of my own feces after slipping in my own upchucked dinner bumping my head and laying there for I don't know how long and knowing it would be days before anyone would miss me or call and that there is no one I could call who loves me enough to worry about it today. This is my last will and testament now. Not to be found naked after typing this note naked alone vomiting up my life with stomach cramps and heart aches. If you read my diaries you will learn I am more neurotic than most but this is the way of poets and people who play the clarinet who paint who love deep who pack their lives in boxes only to move to god knows where. my diaries will tell you that my life is filled with regrets I embraced because I was afraid and lost the experience the person the joy I could have had if I could have held on to belief long enough to quit spewing out the terror through my nose my lungs my belly my heart. But my diaries also will say I love/d hard that I bumped my heart up against a lot of lives and lay in a pool of hand holding kisses and embraced it like I could not get up like just now when I lay for I don't know how long in this vomit this shit. If you read it you will know I leave you love and adventure even when you're afraid and you'll be glad I was able to get up this time to get up after bumping my head on the way down from sliding in my own vomit. You should know I enjoyed this meal and the solitary time I spent having it that I complimented Candace my server in front of her manager because I know people often bitch but rarely bless and she worked hard to please me while she waited on my table made sure my water was room temperature by putting a little warm water on top of the tap water. It was a considerate thing she did and I blessed her with my words and my monetary tip since just saying she's great won't put gas in her car. That the unfinished packing is a sign of an unfinished life with much more in front of me but if this is the end in this rendition while I wonder if I should risk sleeping with this headache and heartache or whether I should try now to clean up the mess I've made by trying to nourish myself. These are real questions as my leg my arm my head my heart aches from this floor fall that I'm pretty sure will leave bruises I will cover up with clothes if no one finds me naked in a pool of my own vomit laying there for I don't know how long. I will to my niece (she knows who she is) all my journals to my lover (ex- and always) my dreams to my children all the material goods but more than that I want you to take what I tried to teach you tried to learn if even imperfectly take my lessons about pursuing life which is the same thing as pursuing god and if one day you land in a pool of your own bodily fluids try not to be ashamed of the person you turned out to be naked and all.

© Valerie Bridgeman

March 19, 2013

PS If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take