FREE Write/prompted

So my friend-love-niece-poet free writes a piece yesterday and I think, I'm overdue a free write. I find that I can think of much else than the boxes piling up as I try to figure out how to pack them; what to throw away; what to give away. I decide not to sell anything because--I realize as I'm writing this--I don't want to have to manage the business of it. I would put too many expectations on myself and when I didn't meet them.... I have these expectations of myself that don't get met. And then I'm disappointed with me and it takes me days to think I'm worth anything. This feeling of nothing-ness doesn't square with the life I live or what people say to me about me. I wonder why the voices that stay with us are the ones where someone says you ain't shit? I wonder why we're always trying to win over that one cynic, that one snide remark-maker in the midst of tens or hundreds of others giving accolades? Why are we more willing to believe the worst things said about us rather than the many good things? I don't have answers to the questions I pose. Only the realization that I often feel like the "problem" in somebody else's life. I'm often trying to shrink so as not to be in the way. I watch my peers excel and brag/boast/maybe just report about their excellence and I feel bad, like--why am I even trying when there's so many others who can do it better? If I could figure out a way to live without trying to justify any "shine" I get--because I think it needs to be justified, because really it can't be based in reality, right? These are the crazy thoughts crowding my head as I try to figure out "next," as I just want to know if God cares about me--if I "heard" God or made that shit up. I'm trying to figure out how crazy I am. And what to do with the physical deprivation of my life? I don't get touched. That's not natural. My body knows it and I wake up crying from dreams I don't remember, but I know it's because I am caged in a world of no-touch. It can't be good to go this long without deep, loving touch. My friend hugged me today--actually I sort of forced him to by entering into his embrace before he could stop me. I just wanted the feel of a warm human body next to me, if only for a momentl. I'm pretty sure humans are not supposed to live like this...

And, I miss Love...

© Valerie Bridgeman

March 1, 2013